The sunlight filtered through the glass behind me, on a classroom full of students. 8:10 am, and Professor Walker started teaching. It’s funny, Philosophy is one of the few classes that I’ve had in college that has kept my attention. My mind has not wavered, my eyes have not closed – i am spending every moment in the remarkable bliss of learning.

Sometimes, though, there are students who don’t appreciate the class in any suitable definition of the word. Take, for example, Student S. As he sits in the back, with his immaculate GAP baseball cap (which perhaps belays far more about the insides of his head than he would like) twisted to the side, and almost a perpetual sneer – today he catches the Teacher’s attention.

“Excuse me,” Walker interrupts in the middle of his lecture. “What is it that you’re reading?”

“Let’s see,” says S, in a show of insolence. “It looks like the —-.” (The name of the book is not important, merely his utter disrespect.)

Walker is flabberghasted. “Listen, if you, or any of you, dear students, wish to read another book in this class, you can read it elsewhere. If you wish to sleep, or talk amongst yourselves, or eat, you conduct your business outside of my class. Now, if you would, S, please put away that book, and we’ll continue with learning.”

In the most impudent and disrespectful way imaginable, S responded: “Why?”

Matt has oft uttered the phrase “I hate people.” More and more I am beginning to understand that sentiment. However, what is needed to realize along with that thought, is that we are most apt to notice the people who do things that we find offense to. Therefore, as I seriously considered running down the aisle to the back of class and landing a dropkick right between the G and the A on his cap, I realized that there were about 30 other students in that class. 30 other students that had, to the best of my knowledge, the same idea as I regarding the merits of this class. And this idiot is probably all alone in the dark.

He’s probably of the idea that knowledge is a commodity that he is purchasing with his quarterly dues to the university. That, because he is paying the salary of Professor Walker, and hundreds of faculty like him, he can do with his time as he pleases. I suppose that this is true. He is an adult now, capable of making his own decisions on how to spend time. That doesn’t make him any less foolish.

For, if he believes that knowledge is the commodity that the university is selling, then he is sorely mistaken. This class, and classes like this, are not selling anything, except perhaps miracle grow for our minds. However, it takes work, and it doesn’t look like S is going to really get anything. Sure, he may become one of the “top sellies” in a corporation, going “magnet with da moneys,” but he will never become a better person if things continue this way.

So, the class continued. The sunlight continued to shine in through the window, and it touched everywhere S was not.

You’re Jean-Luc Picard (better known from “The Next Generations” episodes), a captain of federation ship Enterprise-D, an ultimate threat to this known universe. The game starts as federation border station locate unknown ship approaching to Federation. Enterprise is send to deal with newly created situation. It appears to be a small scout ship from Garid that lost warp egnition and sailed out of course. And before you even blink, a Warbird attaking ship from Garid uncloaks itself right in front of you. And that is only the beginning of the story, with much more unexpected things coming after, and growing into rather large and well created story that you’re about to dive.

– an actual description of the very old-school game “Star Trek TNG: A Final Unity”. what the heck?

so, a day at work, and no children here. i betcha they’re at the pool. it’s where i’m thinking about heading today…

i remember when i was a child, i took to water like a fish takes to water… yeah.

Been climbing trees, I’ve skinned my knees
My hands are black, the sun is going down
She scruffs my hair in the kitchen steam
She’s listening to the dream I weaved today

Crosswords through the bathroom door
While someone sings the theme-tune to the news
And my sister buzzes through the room
Leaving perfume in the air
And that’s what triggered this

I come back here from time to time
I shelter here some days

A highback chair, he sits and stares
A thousand yards and whistles marching band
Kneeling by and speaking up

He reaches out and I take a massive hand
Disjointed tales that flit between
Short trousers and a full dress uniform

And he talks of people ten years gone
Like I’ve known them all my life
Like Scattered Black and Whites

I come back here from time to time
I shelter here some days

Elbow – Scattered Black and Whites

today is the first day of summer. but for some reason, summer is the last thing on my mind.

when i moved away for college, i had an image of what i’d be in san luis obispo… one that is pretty far from the truth.

every day a rainy day, my eyes calmly perusing a copy of Rainer Maria Rilke’s Letter’s to a Young Poet as i calmly sip a mocha, in a small comfy used bookstore. my shaken umbrella next to me, dripping in the same rythym as my heart. i would be learning about life, about what it means to think, not just to gather information. i would be lonely, but content.

this summer quarter, i’m taking a philosophy class that is somehow reminding me of this situation. although most days here are sunny, and i spend them at jobs and looking for jobs, reading and understanding, living and searching. this is the closest that i’ve gotten to my “college image,” yet it couldn’t be farther away.

matt and i found a place. it’s going to rock. many times.

and i realize, monday is my birthday. i wish i was on my way to san diego… i’m sorry to everyone that i can’t make it.

money sucks. or perhaps it’s the lack of money, combined with the need of money. yes, that’s it.

so, this morning was my first day of the new summer quarter. philosophy 231. it’s going to be the greatest class ever. and one of the toughest.

rant: just because you’re living with me doesn’t mean you can introduce me to other people (especially ones that neither you or i know) as someone with “the personality of a brick.” possibly, next to you, i have a low amount of personality, but maybe that’s because i don’t interrupt a conversation with high-pitched dog yelps. you have way too much energy… and we told you that many times yesterday… doesn’t mean you have to call me a brick. twice.

unrant: sarah’s dad still makes me nervous when i talk with him on the phone. maybe it’s the fact that out of the 2 or 3 times i’ve had phone contact with him, it’s been subjects i really didn’t want to deal with. it didn’t matter that last night was a “jonathan’s going to be alright, thank you for doing this for him” type of conversation. it still gave me shakes. maybe it was the utter bleakness and exhaustion that was in his voice (side note: why are people sounding tremendously tired on the phone lately? it’s starting to bring me down). he probably felt as bad talking to me as i feel talking to him.

frankly, i am really not having jonathan over so that his folks will think better of me. that’s not why i’m doing it. in fact, i really haven’t thought about them that much lately. i’m doing this because jonathan, despite his faults, is a class-act most of the time, and i’d like to think that he would be there for me if i needed it.

in all honesty, yesterday was probably the worst it will get. like he said, he was trying to pack an entire summer worth of energy into one day. picking up full hot beer cans off the street and throwing them against the curb so that they explode everywhere probably added to his energy, as well as being around several people he never met last night at a pseudo-party. such things probably won’t happen for the next week.

let’s hope.

for some reason, i didn’t feel well today. it wasn’t really a physical feeling of unwellness… but more of a emotional feeling. what some would refer to as a “funk” and what my friends would call “so emo”.

perhaps it’s because i spent all day waiting for dan to call (see the atari’s “saddest song” – i remember waiting, for you to call, remember waiting, for you to call… that’s how it felt) so that we could hang out. originally, he was supposed to spend all weekend at my place, and this would have been cool. but it turned out to be simply a half an hour each day for the past two days. after him leaving my place at 9:30 last night to go to a party he completely forgot about, and having him tell me to call him at 12:30 am to remind him to come back, then me leaving about 4 voice mail messages every half an hour on his phone after 12:30 before finally deciding to go to bed. waking up, and waiting for him to call… him finally getting a hold of me at 5 pm… eventually, we got to hang out, just… not on my terms i guess. maybe i’m just jealous in some ways… maybe i just wanted to spend time with a friend, time that i was looking forward to having, and never got. maybe i just wanted to spend time with someone, anyone. he’s not the only one that really didn’t hang out with me today when i was trying to get them to.

i feel that it’s something more, though.

over the last three months, nothing has been certain, and this has been a time that has necessitated certainty more than any other point. i need a job. i need a place to live in september. and i need the money to keep a roof over my head from now till then.

i was looking for a place with matt, so that he, devon (who is studying in london right now, bless his soul) and i could have a place where we all know each other, and are all friends. so far, this strategy of “one for all, all for one” hasn’t worked out, and matt said today on the phone that we should look for our own places now. even though i know it was probably inevitable that it would come to this… it still hurt. maybe it wasn’t the words that hurt so much as the awful weight of the sorrow and helplessness that creeped just behind his voice. i heard it there, and it scared me.

and so, this is growing up. it’s supposed to hurt. it’s supposed to scare you. it’s supposed to drag you through the coals still burning until you leap from the other side… either dead or thankful you aren’t.

well, let’s see how i come out.

if life’s for the livid, check me tomorrow, we’ll see if i’m emperor.
Matthew Good Band – “Hello Time Bomb”